So, the trip is going to be exciting and I’m thinking most of the posts and discussions are going to be positive but this is going to be about the joy of traveling with anxiety. The travel companion that you can’t leave at home.
Winston after two walks
And it is something that you unfortunately share with everyone around. It makes me cranky, constantly feeling angry, unsettled and worried about everything. It leaves the mind whirring where it is impossible to determine if a concern that is being raised by your brain is an actual concern or something that the anxiety is tossing out as a thought to keep you from going and doing something. And, yes...everyone has these sort of thoughts to some extent (or at least I assume they do) but for me they are non-stop. Multiples and multiplying. Are the dogs going to be okay, will a panic attack occur on the plane, will I be in another plane crash, will something happen to the house, will... And this message just plays over and over repeatedly until at some point you inadvertently snap at someone or something happens that comes out as a focal point that you have a theoretical reason to complain to someone about.
And it affects others as well, both dogs have been completely on edge the past couple of days. Neither wanting to leave my side for a second. Winston having digestive issues. Blah blah blah.
Bluebelle - the guardian following me everywhere
It creates a dynamic where I’m left excited and horrified about the prospect of the trip all at once. And feeling horrible for those who have to be around me while the anxiety spin just ramps up more and more. You breathe, you do all the tricks to keep it in check, and in the end you have to figure out how to move forward although the entire force of your brain tries and tell you that that forward movement means something horrible is going to happen and it is your fault for not being prepared for it.